aftermath

something important to know about me is that i don't believe in coincidences. i'm pretty sure that the universe is in balance, and everything that happens is what's supposed to be happening. once words like "god" and "spirituality" start getting thrown around, it fucks everyone up with all kinds of preconceived ideas, so i dont like to use them. all i know is that i'm pretty sure that there's a lot going on around us all the time that we have little to no perception of.

in any event, if you know me, know that i filter all my experience through that belief. no accidents, no coincidences.

so of course there could never have been a chance that i'd have come back to school at any other time, met any other people, etc.

y'know, its so easy to believe like i do when i meet people as amazing as the ones i'm so goddam lucky to have met these past few months. its next-level shit...

i'm pretty sure none of them know it, but i think a lot of these people are some of the most talented, smart, wonderful, brilliant, beautiful folks i've ever come across...i hope they know how fucking good they are. at art and at life.

its not really common to tell friends and acquaintances, "i think you're wonderful in every way, and i'm totally in love with you."

so what am i supposed to do when i feel that way about everyone i know? 

there are a ton of ways to show it, but i feel like most of them send the message, "im here for you, i like you, lets be friends" which is totally all true also, but it doesnt scratch the surface. 

its even worse when it happens with strangers. nobody wants to hear that shit from someone they dont know. i'm not even confident that i could say that stuff to people i'm kind of close to without freaking them out.

i wish it was ok (read:socially acceptable/ the norm) to love more openly. kind of fucked up that its not, right?

like, its acceptable to pretend you cant see or hear some people when they ask for a dollar. its acceptable to treat cashiers/servers/workers like machines that get things for you instead of people.

but its "weird" to tell a stranger they seem wonderful and you love them.....i cant comprehend it, and it makes me sad. it seems so backward, but i think it makes pretty clear the reason "things are totally fucked up" which is the tune i've been hearing people sing for most of my life.

so wow, maybe this went all over the place, but it all ends at the same point which is:  

um, hey everybody, whether i know you or not, can we just go out and love everyone? i'm really going to try even harder, and i think with some help we can save the world together a lot more simply than we realize. even if not, it certainly wont make anything worse.

i guess i'm saying please help me.

because i love you